The really frustrating thing about life can be the fact that it’s filled with PEOPLE! And people are individuals and we’re all different. So people will all interpret things and react to things differently, and I know from experience that this can really annoy the hell out of you when you’re expecting people to act in a certain way and then instead they do something which is completely different.

This used to really annoy the hell out of me until I realised that it was NEVER going to change and so to stop myself going insane, I had to change the way that I perceived this instead.

Let me give you a classic example, I used to see things as being either black or white and I believed that people were either fundamentally “Good” or fundamentally “Bad”. This became really frustrating when you became friends with people who you believed were fundamentally “Good” people. They would constantly do things which would demonstrate to me that they were “Good” people, their actions would show that they had integrity. They would do the right thing by me, and they were people that I felt I could rely on.

But then something happens, and they mistreat you or do the wrong thing by you. Naturally, I felt really hurt by this, but none the less I still believed that they were fundamentally good people. And this was NOT the sort of behaviour that I would expect from someone who was a good person. So I assumed that, as a good person, their behaviour was just a momentary aberration from the norm. I assumed that they would no doubt realise any minute now that their behaviour was out of character and they would, being a good person, immediately rush to apologise to me.

Needless to say this rarely happened. So I a felt a growing sense of frustration which stemmed from my own stubborn reluctance to realise that someone who I believed to be a “Good” person could sometimes do the wrong thing by you. Because I refused to believe this, I wasted an enormous amount of time “waiting” for these people to finally one day realise that what they had done was wrong and apologise.

What I finally realised was that I was the one who needed to change my own perception of what was going on. And it in no way involved “excusing” or “condoning” unacceptable behaviour. Let’s face it, there are certain things like robbing a bank for example which will never be acceptable behaviour. But mostly when we feel let down by another person, we’re not generally talking about robbing banks or anything like that. It’s usually much more subtle than that.

What I realised is that those subtleties were not necessarily good or bad. They really came down to the individual. Because people are all different, we all have different upbringings, different life experiences ect. So we will all generally have a similar ethical stance that says for example that robbing banks is bad. However, when we look at more subtle things like how we behave, we’ll all have a slightly different idea as to what is acceptable.

So people can sometimes act in a way which would violate what YOU would consider to be acceptable behaviour and yet that very thing may be completely acceptable to them. That’s not to say that their values are any less than yours it’s just that people are different.

Maybe you can relate to this yourself, I know from my own personal experience that I can certainly relate. There have been times when I have felt let down and even hurt by the actions of others and yet these people, who are generally good people, will freely admit to what they’ve done but not see anything wrong with it what so ever and in fact will often not even be able to understand why I would be upset by that. Alternatively, I know I’ve been in the opposite position myself when other people have firmly believed that MY actions were unacceptable and violated what THEY believed to be acceptable behaviour. Now the interesting thing here is that neither one of us had any misunderstanding of what had ACTUALLY happened. We could both agree on what had happened and what I had done and yet we both had completely different interpretations of that.

To ME, what I did was very polite and respectful and no more or less than what any normal person would expect from a normal member of society. I honestly could not understand how anyone could see this as being anything other than extremely polite and respectful. And yet from THEIR point of view it was NOT what they had been bought up to believe, based on THEIR upbringing and THEIR life experiences, was acceptable behaviour. They actually thought that I was being rude and disrespectful.

If other people can misinterpret YOUR intentions, then is it any wonder that what seems unacceptable to you may seem completely normal to OTHER people. So the takeaway lesson that I learned from this is not to be so quick to judge others based on YOUR view of the world. YOUR view of the world will be shaped by YOUR upbringing and YOUR life experiences. It may be hard to accept, but sometimes the things that others do that really hurt us, that we can’t understand how they could ever do such a thing, may in fact be something that they intentionally do with the best of intentions. They’re not doing it to hurt us, they’re doing it because from THEIR point of view, they think that they’re doing the right thing by us. As long as we view these things as being either right or wrong then we will continue to have judgement and we will continue to be disappointed and even hurt when others do things to us which fall short of how WE believe they should behave.

Instead you have to look not at what people DO, but instead look at their INTENTION. From my own personal experience, I know that this has made such a difference to me. It has completely transformed my own experience of interacting with others. Having gone from a feeling of being HURT by someone and wondering WHY they would do such a hurtful thing to instead looking at their INTENTION and realising that THEY were actually trying to do something which THEY thought was a good thing. MY OWN emotions then changed from being HURT by what they had done to instead feeling BLESSED that this person had thought enough of me to do something which THEY thought would be really good for me!

Imagine what a difference this made to me. Going from feeling HURT to feeling BLESSED! And how easy was it to do. It required nothing of the other person, it required only a shift in MY own level of thought. And in saying that, it’s important to recognise that doing this in no way diminishes the emotions that YOU feel. When you feel hurt by someone else, that is a very real emotion and if what they do hurts you, then you have every right to feel that way. What I’m saying is that you have to ALLOW yourself to feel those feeling and acknowledge them, but then look beyond that at what the INTENTION of the other person was.

Now here’s my challenge for you. Look at YOUR life and ask yourself this question. When have you felt let down, betrayed or hurt by someone else. Then look at it from their point of view. Without in any way detracting from the real emotions that you feel, ask yourself what was that persons INTENTION in doing what they did? So if you feel HURT by someone else, then allow yourself to feel the emotion of being hurt. Acknowledge that, you have every right to feel that way. BUT, then ask yourself the question, what was the INTENTION of the other person in doing what they did. Let’s say that when you look at it from their point of view you realise that even though this was really hurtful to you, the REASON that they did it was because THEY wanted to do something good for you, something that they believed in their own mind would be beneficial to YOU. Based on their own world view, they genuinely believed that they were doing something GOOD for you, something beneficial for you. They genuinely believed that they were being KIND to you and they did it because they CARED.

Now ask yourself, how would you feel if someone did something, not bad TO you but instead good FOR you, something that they did because they cared about you and they wanted to try and help you.

Now suddenly, without detracting from the real emotions that you felt, you now see this in a whole new light. You see it as an act of kindness from someone who really cares about you, because they wanted to help. How would it make you feel to know that you have someone in your life that was prepared to go out of their way to do something good for you, because they care?

Did that change your perception now?

Leave a comment below to let me know how YOU were able to relate this to an experience that you have had in the past.