Today I want to talk about the concept of Self-Worth. In my opinion, it is one of the most important, yet least understood concepts in Personal Development, far more so than mere Self-Confidence. Someone once said to me that Self-Confidence is a state of mind, but Self-Worth is a state of being!
You see in my life, I’ve been blessed to meet people from all walks of life. Young, old, unemployed, multi-millionaires and everyone in-between. Recently, I was having lunch with a friend of mine who is incredibly successful and fabulously wealthy. He owns a multi-national company, lives in a $17 million home on Sydney Harbour, drives a Mercedes AMG and has all the outward trappings of success. On this day, he was treating myself and three others to lunch at one of Sydney’s finest restaurants.
Even though he has all the material trappings of success, there is something quite indescribable about him that really defines him as a successful person. You could put him in a line-up with 20 other guys, and there is something about him that would instantly stand out. He is not pretentious, arrogant or showy, yet there is something about him, an energy that he emits at his core, that goes way beyond mere Self-Confidence. This is a guy who has absolute, unshakable belief in himself, a sense of presence that can only be described as Self-Worth.
When he walks into a room, he commands respect. He does not hope for respect, does not expect respect, he certainly doesn’t demand respect. Yet just by his presence he COMMANDS respect.
As we were sitting there enjoying lunch, it got me to thinking, what is it about this particular guy that really sets him apart. The one thing I kept coming back to was Self-Worth. When I thought more about it, that is really the thing that sets all “REALLY” successful people apart from the rest.
People who have Self-Confidence have an energy about them, something that you want to be around. Yet this energy must be constantly cultivated and maintained. Self-Worth on the other hand is permanent, something that can never be diminished or destroyed. So often we see people who seemingly have boundless Self-Confidence when things are going well, but as soon as things go pear-shaped that Self-Confidence can quickly disintegrate.
People who have a high sense of Self-Worth never lose it, even when the going gets tough. They are the ones who are cool in a crisis, the ones with inner calm when all around them seems to be in chaos. It’s the sporting champion who goes on the attack when the rest of the team are in survival mode, who never loses faith in the eventual victory. It’s the entrepreneur who is excited by opportunity when everyone else is ducking for cover. And that’s an important asset for an entrepreneur! Think about that for a moment. In a situation where a company is in trouble, the outlook seems bleak and everyone is saying that it is doomed, it’s the entrepreneur with the high sense of Self-Worth that can see the best days are yet to come and inspire everyone else around them.
Howard Schultz is a great example of this. When things were looking gloomy for Starbucks and the doubt mongers were circling, it was his strong will and the unrelenting self-belief in what could be, that inspired the whole company to not just survive but to come out the other side thriving. That can only come from a powerful place of Self-Worth. Well that’s all great for these people, but what about the average person?
How can we nurture and grow a powerful sense of Self-Worth within us?
Well let me tell you what I have found personally. I think that for me as a person, a high sense of Self-Worth is perhaps my greatest personal achievement. These days I do have a powerful sense of Self-Worth, perhaps not quite to the same extent yet as my millionaire friend, but nonetheless it is certainly there. That was not however always the case. When I was much younger, I was filled with self-doubt, was constantly worrying about what others would think of me, and would always look for what could go wrong. I was your classic pessimist from Central Casting. I certainly had NO concept of Self-Worth what so ever.
A pessimistic person cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, an optimistic person can. But a person with high Self-Worth does not see the tunnel! It’s not because they are in denial about the tunnel but because they recognise that it doesn’t serve them, so they pay no attention to it. They cannot see the tunnel because they see only the way things will be when they get out and are already mentally in that space.
Neale Donald Walsch says we create our own reality as we go. Let me give you an example of this. I live in Sydney, which is in the State of NSW, which is in the country of Australia, which is in the Southern Hemisphere. I know all of this, yet I don’t think about it. If someone was to ask me what State I live in, or even what Hemisphere I live in, I could answer them instantly because I have this knowledge. However, in the normal course of events, it never enters my conscious thinking. If I’m overseas and someone asks where I live, I say Australia. If I’m interstate, I would say Sydney. If I’m in Sydney, I would say the Eastern Suburbs. Yet I do nonetheless live in the Southern Hemisphere, I am aware that I live in the Southern Hemisphere, but that fact never enters my conscious thoughts.
The same, way the person with high Self-Worth, is aware that they are in a tunnel, but that fact never makes it into their conscious thoughts because it doesn’t serve them to know this. Therefore, it doesn’t form part of their current “reality”. They know that before too long they will be out of the tunnel, they know it is what they do when they get out of the tunnel that matters, therefore the world outside of the tunnel is their “reality”.
But I want you to know that this applies not just to your thinking about the future but it applies to your present as well as how you view the past. Self-Worth must become your state of being.
So how can you incorporate Self-Worth into your being? Well the essence of Self-Worth defies definition, it cannot be described, it just is. It’s like the movie the Matrix…
“Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself.”
~Morpheus
Well we can’t exactly define Self-Worth or explain what it is. Is doesn’t show up on an MRI Scan. You have to EXPERIENCE it for yourself.
They say that success leaves clues, and we can however spot some common characteristics of people who have it. Looking at myself now compared to how I used to be, I can see that there have definitely been some very distinct changes in me that have given me this sense of Self-Worth.
Let’s look what defines a person with high Self-Worth and most importantly how you can begin to incorporate this into your life.
Clarity.
There are so many different characteristics that set a person with high Self-Worth apart from the pack but if I had to pick just one, I would say it’s Clarity. A successful person is very clear about what they’re doing.
They see the vision of where they’re going and they don’t deviate from it. It has been said,
“The clearer your Goals, the fewer the options you have.”
When you lack clarity, you’re afraid to really commit to any one goal because you’re afraid that committing to that goal might mean that you miss out on one of the other 20 or so goals that you maybe perhaps want as well.
Have you ever jumped into and Uber, and when they ask where you’re going, you say I don’t know really, I’ve got a few different options! That’s crazy, they can’t move until you give them a destination, once you’ve entered your destination they immediately start moving towards it. Well, The Universe is like your own person Uber Driver. The Universe will deliver you to any destination that you want, it will arrange itself to make it happen for you, and The Universe likes speed, once you set the destination it will get you there by the quickest possible route.
I personally have this quote on my screensaver. To me, it sums up Clarity.
“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. The moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.”
~ William Hutchison Murray.
A phrase that I heard a long time ago that I’ve really taken to heart is,
“Posture Is… How you feel about what you know”.
When you have a clear Goal, and you know exactly what you want, you will have posture and that will show in all that you do. Posture is something that others will pick up on. Have you ever met someone who seemed so inspired by what they were doing, it gave you a sense of confidence that they knew exactly what they were doing and were going to succeed? That’s Posture! Even if you don’t understand what a person is doing, if they have Posture, they will inspire your belief in them. On the other hand, if a person lacks belief in their Dreams, if they have weak Goals, that will come across in their Posture and others will instantly pick up on that.
Calmness.
One thing that I can definitely say about myself now is that I am very calm no matter what is going on. I have a sense of peace and bliss when things are going well, (which they usually do) and a calmness when things don’t go so well.
The old me used to worry about things all the time. I feel blessed in my life, but that doesn’t mean that there are never any challenges. We all have challenges in our lives and I am no different. But when things don’t go according to plan for me, I don’t worry about it. I know that worrying doesn’t serve me. I have faith in myself and I believe that no matter what happens I will be able to deal with anything.
If I can deal with it now, I will deal with it now, if it’s not something I can take action on right now then there’s no point in worrying about something I can’t have any input into. I do however believe that things will conspire in my favour to enable me to take any action necessary when the time comes, and I have faith in my abilities to do that.
Control.
One attribute that all people with high Self-Worth definitely possess is that they are in control of their lives. So many times it is said that we are victims of our own circumstances and we allow external things to control us. That was something I was guilty of in the past, but now I control my own destiny. Whilst I must admit to more than a healthy dose of CDO (that’s OCD with the letters arranged in their correct alphabetical order) that’s not what I’m talking about here, nor is it about being an overbearing control freak. It just means that you control what happens in your life and you control your environment.
In my life, I am in control of what I do. I don’t have anyone telling me what time I have to get up in the morning, I don’t have anyone telling me where I have to go or what I have to do. What I do with each day is up to me. If I want a break, I take a break, I don’t have to ask permission of anyone. Of course, that kind of life doesn’t just happen, I’ve done my fair share of working in the Corporate machine, but to break free from all of that and truly own your life takes a decision. You have to make a definite decision that this is what I’m going to do, and you have to follow through and create your reality as you decide it should be. You have to be in control.
When I think of my millionaire friend, it’s amazing just how in control of things he can be without ever seeming to come across as bossy, rude or controlling. You notice simple things, like when we go into a restaurant, he is very clear on how he wants things. As soon as we sit down, he arranges the table the way he wants it, he tells the waiters exactly how things will be. When he orders, he doesn’t just order strait from the menu, he’s not afraid to change things up, ask for exactly what he wants, can you please change this, do this instead, and none of it ever comes across as being bossy or rude. When I pick him up in my car, as soon as he gets in he’s setting up his environment, can we do this with the AC please, can we do that with the stereo, this is the route that we’re going to take today, and it never comes across as being rude.
Decisiveness.
Decisiveness comes with Clarity so I think we’ve probably already covered this in Clarity, but just in case you’re taking notes in bullet points, I think this is worth its own bullet point. People who have high Self-Worth are decisive. They make decisions quickly and change them rarely. Unsuccessful people take AGES to make a decision and are then quick to change their minds as soon as anything goes wrong.
As I’ve already said, often the reason we are slow to make a decision is that either we’re afraid that it won’t work out, or we’re afraid that by making one decision, we’ll miss out on all the other possibilities that we could have done. The ultra-successful people in this world never think like that. They are very clear, know exactly what they want, they don’t worry about missing other opportunities because they are clear and focused on exactly what they want, and they don’t worry about not achieving it because they have unshakable self-belief in their abilities to make it happen.
Identity.
You have to have a clear sense of your own identity. You have to believe in YOU and not care about what others think. Zig Ziglar coined a phrase S.N.I.O.P.
“A SNIOP is a person who is Susceptible to the Negative Influence of Other People.” Zig Ziglar.
People with high Self-Worth are definitely NOT SNIOP. When I look back now on how I used to be, I was always worried about what other people would think of me, I used to feel like I was always under pressure to project a certain image. But now, I don’t care what others think. I don’t mean that in an arrogant way, I just mean that I am totally comfortable now being myself. I don’t care what others think or if they judge me, I’m just being me. I don’t think I’m better than anyone else and I know I sure as hell ain’t worse than anyone else!
Excited As Hell About The Future !
People with high Self-Worth are excited as hell about their future. They are naturally optimists. I heard a saying once, “Millionaires are just common folk, with uncommon Dreams”. They expect the best and do not entertain any doubt about it happening. W. Clement Stone once said, “I am a realist, I expect a miracle every day”. I once had a negative friend who told me I was being “unrealistic”, I said of course not! I’m being very realistic in my expectations, I expect the BEST! That person is also no longer in my life!
I was once very pessimistic about my future, I had incredibly low expectation, yet I could see a million ways in which even they wouldn’t work out. I could only see all the things that could possibly go wrong.
Right now, I am so excited about my life it’s incredible. If I knew for sure I was going to live to be 200 I’m still not sure I could fit in all the things I want to do in my lifetime. I see very clearly how my life is going to be in the future, I see myself living that life and I incorporate this into my morning routine. Every morning just after I finish my morning meditation, I spend just a few more minutes to close my eyes and visualise my future life. I see it in exact detail, that’s what makes it so exciting for me. I am constantly working on new ways to help people with my coaching, I’m also looking at other projects as well.
Over the next 2-5 years there are three new projects that I’m very passionate about doing. One of which I’ve already started the ground work on, the other 2 will start to take shape in the coming years, but I can already see in my mind how each of them will come together.
OK, so let’s wrap this up. I know this Blog has been much longer than usual, but to me Self-Worth is just such an important topic, I couldn’t cover it any shorter and do it justice. Hopefully I’ve given you some tools that can help you improve your own sense of Self-Worth. Let me tell you now, this is not something that you can change in a day. To really start to incorporate these things into your being so that they become part of you will take time, and will require effort on your part. Once mastered however, it’s like riding a bike, it’s a skill that you will always have.
Unlike self-confidence, Self-Worth is something that becomes a part of you, that no one can ever take from you.
Your Homework.
Today I’m giving you homework for the next week. Go through each of the elements that we’ve covered here and write down beside each one, just one simple thing that you can do each day for the next week that will move you closer to having greater Self-Worth.
Write these down on a piece of paper and each day for the next week, read them every morning and just be conscious of them as you go about your day.
Clarity.
Calmness.
Control.
Decisiveness.
Identity.
Excited As Hell About The Future !